


how is this real?

by infinitely_merthur



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Crying, Emotionally Repressed, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Repression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-11
Updated: 2020-03-11
Packaged: 2021-02-28 22:01:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,961
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23104405
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/infinitely_merthur/pseuds/infinitely_merthur
Summary: remy's grieving and emile helps.(WARNINGS at the beginning notes)
Relationships: Dr. Emile Picani & Sleep | Remy Sanders, Dr. Emile Picani/Sleep | Remy Sanders
Kudos: 16





	how is this real?

**Author's Note:**

> WARNINGS: death mention, grieving, repression, a near anxiety attack, cursing.
> 
> this is sort of a vent (haha oops). pretty much anything remy says and feels is exactly how i feel but hey! i’ll be okay. anyway, i really hope y’all like this!
> 
> i will be posting this on my tumblr (shut-up-emrys) later on in the day

Remy was sitting on the couch with an unreadable expression on his face. He didn’t know how to feel. His emotions were both overwhelming and completely silent–he felt numb. Completely and utterly numb. He could not believe this was reality, that this was truly happening. With his heart hammering against his chest, Remy tried to calm himself down. He closed his eyes and calmly inhaled and exhaled in hopes of relaxing himself. He tried to give himself a positive pep-talk, but nothing was working. He did not seem to be calming down at all.

Remy did not know what to do. He wanted to call out for Emile but his lips seemed to be shut tight–in fact, he felt as though he could not move an inch of his body. The world continued to spin, the people continued to live their day, animals continued to breathe, nothing had stopped even though Remy desperately wished for an off button for life at the current moment.

Remy reached for his phone and opened Spotify. If he was unable to calm himself down then maybe a song would help. He pressed the play button and let himself get swallowed in the world of music. He continued with his breathing exercises for the duration of two songs until he realized: it was not working. Nothing was working. Nothing was helping him. His heart continued to palpitate against his chest with all its strength. At this point, Remy felt like he was slowly losing the oxygen inside of him. 

At that moment, Emile walked into the living room, humming the Steven Universe theme song to himself. He took one glance at Remy and his expression immediately filled with concern.

“Remy, what’s wrong?”

Remy gathered all his strength to speak. “My mom just called,” he bit his lip. He could hear his heart banging against his chest. Oh, how he wished he could stop his heart. “And she said that my aunt… she- uh, she–” Remy could not find the words to finish his sentence. But from the look on Emile’s face, he could tell that his boyfriend understood.

“Oh, Remy. I’m so sorry,” Emile sat next to Remy on the couch.

“Don’t… Please don’t touch me right now,” Emile nodded understandingly. “And… uh, it’d be great if you could move over and… give me- give me space.”

“Okay,” Emile said and moved as far away as he could from Remy to give him space. “Do you need me to do anything else?”

“Um,” who knew talking could be difficult? “Cartoons?” Remy suggested.

“Okay,” Emile said, taking the remote to turn on the TV. “It’s going to be okay.”

Remy nodded. Though, it did not feel like anything was ever going to be okay again.

“Do you need anything else?”

“No, just… a distraction.”

“Okay,” Emile said. “Do you want silence, or would you like me to talk?”

“Silence.”

Emile nodded and flipped through the channels until he landed on an episode of Spongebob. It was light-hearted and exactly the kind of distraction Remy needed.

An hour of watching cartoons later, Remy felt calmer. His heart had calmed down. However, it was not enough to take away the pain.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Emile asked, pausing the episode.

“I… I guess…” Remy muttered.

“You don’t have to right now if you’re not ready.”

Remy pondered for a few seconds. “Can we talk about it tomorrow? I’m really exhausted right now and I think I really need to sleep.”

Emile nodded. “Do you think you still need some space? I could sleep in the guest room if you’ll feel more comfortable that way.”

Remy shook his head, “You don’t have to sleep in the guest room, you dork. I’m slightly better now. Thank you.”

Emile nodded.

The next morning, Remy woke up to the sound of birds chirping. He sat up in a drowsy state. He grabbed his phone when he remembered everything about the other day. He instantly felt the bad feeling return; he couldn’t believe this was real. It did not feel like this was reality. He felt like this all was a stupid joke. The worst joke ever. He hated this. He hated feeling like this.

As quietly as possible, Remy got up and dressed. He made his way to the living room and slumped onto the couch. He didn’t want to wake up Emile with his crying, and now that he was “alone” he could cry as much as he wanted. But the more he tried to cry, the more he realized that he was unable to. Which was incredibly frustrating because he knew he needed to cry, but he just couldn’t. He could feel his emotions churning inside of him but he couldn’t reach them. He felt as though there was a barrier between him and his emotions. Though he could not grasp them, he felt overwhelmed by their intensity.

Half an hour later, a very sleepy Emile walked into the living room. He looked like he could barely keep his eyes open, which caused Remy to smile softly.

“Hey,” Emile said. Remy only replied with a nod.

“How are you?” Remy averted his eyes away from Emile’s. He was certainly not ready for that question.

“Like shit.”

Emile nodded. “That’s understandable.”

“I just… I can’t believe this happened, you know? It… it doesn’t feel real.” Emile nodded encouragingly for Remy to continue his vent.

“And… I don’t know how to deal with this. How do you deal with such a thing? What the fuck am I supposed to do now? Although we weren’t close, she was still my aunt; she was family. And now I’m never going to see her again.” Remy’s voice broke on the last sentence.

Emile sat next to Remy and held out his hands. Remy willingly dove into Emile’s arms for a hug. He felt incredibly vulnerable at that moment, and he hated it. But really, what was he supposed to do now? What does someone do when a family member dies?

Remy began crying uncontrollably. He feared he might have fell apart if Emile wasn’t there right now holding him. Remy felt safe in his boyfriend’s arms. Although nothing was okay, he felt a sense of calmness wash over him. He could feel the protectiveness of Emile surging through him, the feeling of wanting to comfort Remy to the best of his ability.

“I know it’s hard, but you are going to get through this. Be patient with yourself and let yourself heal. Take all the time in the world you need, because this is not easy.” Emile said.

“No, it’s not,” Remy admitted softly.

“But you are strong and you can push through this.”

“It doesn’t feel like it.”

“No, it doesn’t. But I know you can. I believe in you.”

“But what’s the fucking point of healing if something is going to come and push you back down to where you were? What’s the fucking point of anything? Life is shit, and that’s that! That’s all there is! There is no point in getting better if you are going to be pushed back down to where you were.”

Emile bit his bottom lip, “The point is that you get better at handling overwhelming events. Sure, there will be something that will push you back down, but that doesn’t mean you should stop pushing through it.”

“It’s bullshit,” Remy mumbled.

“If that’s the way you see it, then alright, but I’ll have you know that’s not a healthy outlook on life. Life has its ups and downs–it always will–because nothing is perfect. Happiness doesn’t last forever, but neither does sadness.”

“Still. It’s bullshit.” Remy mumbled.

They sat on the couch in silence after that. Remy hugged Emile for as long as he needed, and Emile allowed him to. He knew grieving was hard–especially when the hurt was still fresh–and he realized that Remy needed as much time as he needed. Knowing Remy, he would not show his hurt on the outside, so he suffered deeply on the inside. And Emile promised himself he would do everything in his power to make Remy feel better.

Remy pulled away sniffling. He wiped the tears from his eyes as his body continued to tremble. Unfortunately, crying had not helped him at all; usually, when he cried, Remy would have emotions flowing through his body, but this time it was different. This time, he felt nothing. He felt none of his emotions flowing through him as he tried to let out his hurt and the suffering he felt. Instead, he could feel all the pain building up inside of him. He tried to reach it but again, he was not successful.

Remy had no idea how to cope with this. He didn’t feel strong enough to be carrying all these emotions inside of him. Although he couldn’t really… feel, he knew he was hurting more than ever. 

He didn’t know how to handle this. But he was glad to have Emile by his side.

“I...um,” Remy began. Emile waited patiently for him to continue.

“You know how crying is usually a relief of most of your emotions? Like, you cry, and then you feel better?” Emile nodded. “Yeah so… I don’t feel relieved. I feel like… I’ve got these emotions, right? But I feel like there is a barrier between me and my emotions. Like, I can’t reach them at all. I don’t know how else to explain it. It’s like… I have them, but I can’t reach them. And when I do feel them they are so overwhelming that it’s unbearable.”

“It seems like you’ve repressed these emotions. Not consciously, obviously; your unconsciousness has hid these emotions because they are very overwhelming for you. Repression tends to happen when something really overwhelming takes place, so then your unconscious mind is like ‘Oh yikes! Too overwhelming! Let’s hide this away so that we will no longer be aware of this thing!’ It’s basically a defense mechanism.”

“Alright, that makes sense. I did feel like my emotions were being pushed down when I heard the news. But I wasn’t pushing them down on purpose.

“So what can I do? How can I get rid of it?”

“Well, you can’t exactly get rid of it. But you can learn to better deal with it. You can allow yourself to express your emotions. Crying, like you just did, is very healthy when you are overwhelmed by a surge of emotions. Allow yourself to slow down and be in peace with what you are feeling. Don’t judge yourself when you feel–tell yourself that what you are feeling is okay. Allow those emotions to flow through you. And above all: allow others to help you. Don’t ever be afraid to ask for help.

“Of course, this is all easier said than done, and it takes time to finally grasp how to deal with this, but I know you can do it. I believe in you.”

Remy smiled, “Thank you.”

“Any time,” Emile planted a soft kiss on Remy’s cheek and held his hand. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” Remy said. “Now let’s make some breakfast, because I can tell that both of us are very hungry.” 

Emile smiled and got up from the couch to prepare their breakfast. Remy followed after him.

Even though he didn’t feel like himself at that moment, and possibly the upcoming days, Remy knew that it would all be eventually okay. He had people to help him through his rough times. Above all, he had his favorite person, Emile, to help him whenever he felt like giving up. And he was beyond grateful for all of them.


End file.
